Thai Massages -- Don't Go There

OK, before you go THERE – and we know that is exactly where most people’s brains went when the words “Thai Massage” were mentioned, we want to point out that this is a legitimate therapeutic practice that is thousands of years old.

It doesn’t mean that you’re going to a brothel.

We went to a day spa that was very similar to one you’d see in the US. You go in, choose what you’d like from a menu while they offer you something to drink, and then you have a seat. Prices are posted, and there are separate sides for the men and women to go to the dressing rooms.

We picked our package, were asked whether we wanted male or female masseuses, and were taken up to our respective rooms.

Neither of our masseuses spoke a great deal of English, although thankfully they understood “Ow-Ow-Ow” and “Not so hard, please” well enough that there’s no visible bruising.

You go in and take a shower (given how hot it was, a shower before someone touched you was a good thing) and climbed under the towels that were on the table for you.  You are draped to protect everyone's modesty, which turns out to be a good thing because this is one of the few places where the air conditioning felt very American. That's not necessarily a plus if you're lying naked on a table with just a towel for warmth.

Larry’s masseuse was the smaller of the two – maybe 5’5, 125 pounds and kind of wiry. Turns out he also had an elbow about the same dimension and hardness as a ball peen hammer that he could use pretty impressively.

The boy - probably in his late 20's - found knots that were buried very deeply and then did his best to eradicate them, at various times climbing up on the table to get a better angle. It did hurt sometimes, and maybe the “feel good” came because he stopped eventually, but it was definitely an effective massage.

Eddie’s treatment was similar, although his guy was a little bigger and heavier (about 5'6, 150 pounds) and not quite as aggressive – maybe Eddie was just better at outlining the parameters up front to say, “Don’t hurt me!”

At the end, we each were told to sit up while the masseuse knelt behind us and worked on our necks. It was a little surprising when he gave a bit of a flip and you realized that you just had a chiropractic- style crack to your neck.

The cost of a 2 hour massage? 2000 Baht each, plus a 100 Baht tip to the masseuse. That’s about $66.00 US, and a $3.00 tip. Not a bad price for wobbly knees, kneaded muscles and an overall good feeling.

When we left, we were to find our own way back to the hotel for a nap before we met Sam for dinner. We hailed a cab and immediately recognized that the kid driving (maybe 21) spoke absolutely no English. He didn’t read any, either, which was the first time we’d recognized that. Most everyone else we encountered had at least a little bit of English in them.  Fortunately, the cards we had with the hotel name and address on them were dual-language and told him where we lived.

Unfortunately, the entire center city was in gridlock because of the ball game. At one point he got frustrated after we’d been sitting in traffic for about 15 minutes and through a series of hand gestures indicated he wanted to take us the back way.

Fine with us, it’s all an adventure.  Besides, we were still too weak to walk!

We got to see some neighborhoods that we would not have otherwise experienced. Instead of just the tourist and commercial districts, we saw the apartment buildings that lots of people call home. We found out later that nobody has dryers (even in the buildings), and that’s why everyone’s laundry is hanging out on the balcony.

The trip back took about 45 minutes in the cab, even going the back way. Cost? 100 Baht -- $3.00 US.

Taking a nap after a massage is a wonderfully decadent use of time on vacation.